The mantra I chose for this month is I believe in myself. I love everything about this person I am. I used a David Bowie print for the background, and I did that because David Bowie is basically the idea of what we are going for here, the epitomy of someone who had full confidence in himself, his politics, tastes, preferences, style. He was larger than life, and he was so not because someone came up to him and deemed him great or extraordinary or special. He was this way because somewhere along the way, he deemed himself worthy. The confidence we see in someone like that isn't born from what other people bestow on us: it is born of what we internalize about ourselves. And I can recognize it in David Bowie, because I can now recognize it in myself.
There was a time, not too long ago, that I used to look at people with self-confidence, who appeared to know who they were, who appeared to be able to do whatever they wanted without asking permission or offering up apologies to the general public. I used to watch these people, astonished, and wonder what happened to them in their lives that gave them that type of ownership of who they were. I also remembering, distinctly, that that kind of ownership, ease, and confidence wasn't for me. I was different and I wasn't allowed to say no, show my imperfections, feel comfortable in all situations and with all people, or stop apologizing for everything that I was. I had to work harder than everyone else, I had to create some external value that made me important, or accumulate externalities that made me important. What I was, at it's core, was embarrassing to say the very least, not valuable, fraudulent, didn't fit in. A gross mess that used to think if she had better teeth, a tighter/smaller body, regularly cooked simple elegant meals for herself (oh and had better kitchen ware), ate only 1200 calories a day, went to yoga every day, hosted dinner parties, wore better clothes, woke up at the same time every day, sent Christmas cards, bought birthday presents, (remembered birthdays), stopped biting her nails, had better boobs, a nicer apartment, a better car, more money, a savings account, and basically, resembled some version of a woman featured in Vogue/Goop/Real Simple - then she would feel enough. Then she would be enough. Then she would command respect. Then, she would be worthy. I used to walk by the Louis Vuitton store downtown and look at the luggage and think - quite literally - that owning luggage like that was a step in the path to worthiness. And since I walked by that store almost 10 times a week, I had that thought quite frequently.
It sounds crazy right? Like reading that, doesn't it sound entirely fucking crazy?
It is crazy. It's also exactly what our society tells us, and what we accept. It says, Worth is predicated on societal ideals that we have all agreed to uphold. It says, You are not worthy unless you exemplify what we want you to be.
There is a Victoria's Secret store in Termini station in Rome and I walked by it about 10 times when I was there. Outside the store there is a 20 foot poster of a woman - a perfectly tanned, emaciated, toned woman - and she has a dog collar on. Or, at least, that's what it looks like. And then inside there are all these women, at a train station, sorting through boxes of cheap underwear produced in some Asian country, in some terribly unhealthy working conditions, who can't even afford the shit underwear they make. I know this sounds off-key, and perhaps your wondering What does this have to do with believing in myself??! - and what I am trying to say is: everything. This scenario has everything to do with you believing in yourself.
Because you believing in yourself will never come from an image that is sold to you, a thing you accumulate, a piece of clothing you wear, or how much you assimilate. It will never come from how others see you, or how you behave in public, how much people like you. It will never equal how sales people at the Bloomingdales treat you, or how people in the Board Room treat you. It will never be about your teeth, your money, your body, how well liked you are, how much fun you are, how much you say yes, how nice you are, or whether or not you have Louis Vuitton luggage. All of that is a poster of a woman we will never be wrapped around a store of cheap goods that will never make us feel like what they tell us we should feel like, all upheld by a machine that relies on a sweat shop.
You believing in yoursef: It will only come from one place, and that place is within. It will only come from one person, and that person is you. And the thing is once you get that - once you begin to truly understand that only one opinion matters and it's yours, that esteem is given only by you, that you are entirely likable so long as it is you that is the liker, that you are a priceless fucking gem of perfection so long as you start to tell yourself that, that all the ingredients are already in place, that everything you could ever want to be is already IN YOU just waiting for you to see it and proclaim it the best combination of human you could imagine - then you become unstoppable. Then everything you want and have been looking for your whole life presents itself to you. And you don't need cosmetic surgery, a credit card, a better job, or a more defined tricep.
The moment of clarity came like this: I realized that my power had been there all along and that I was Dorothy and I just needed to click my fucking heels together. I realized that if I wanted to be the kind of person that didn't give a fuck what other people thought of me, that I could be the kind of person that didn't give a fuck what other people thought of me. I realized that if I wanted to be the kind of person that felt at home in the world, and like the world belonged to her, I could be the kind of person taht felt at home in the world and like it belonged to her. I could think I was beautiful, and funny, and enough. I realized I could think I was worthy without having to try and prove that worth. I realized, oh my god, I could believe in myself, and then other people would, too. I realized, oh my god, I am not the wrong kind of weird, or the wrong kind of person - I am the exact right kind of weird, the exact right kind of person (WE ALL ARE). I realized the world was made for me, and that I was made for the world. We all are.
What you need is not something from out there that will make you more important or liked or powerful or whatever it is that you feel is lacking. Nothing from out there WILL NEVER DO THAT. All you need is to find the places where you've blocked the unconditional love and admiration for the person that you have been tasked to bring through this world. All you need is enough vagina or balls (whatever you prefer) to stand up for the person you are begging yourself to become, and deem her/him worthy to do just that. Become.
All. My. Love.
No one is you, and that is your power.
- Dave Grohl
13 Steps FOR BELIEF IN ONESELF.
AC.E. Lecture, August 2017
Note: A lot of these are written in third person. I like to think of it this way, as if I have an independent life I'm responsible for, which is mine.
Not doing the thing everyone else was doing. Being subversive.
Tasking myself with care of Holly.
Trusting Holly and taking her seriously, learning to trust her.
Talking to her kindly.
BACKING HER UP. Always. Even when she's wrong.
Loving her no matter what. Especially the shit she hates about herself.
Setting boundaries, asking for her needs to get met.
Asking for more and believing she deserves it.
Believing in ridiculous things as if they are absolutely going to happen.
Trusting that I am supported in all that I am doing - even when it appears otherwise.
Believing in my sisters and my brothers, too. Remembering that if I cheer for them in all their pursuits and believe in their ridiculous dreams, I am giving that to myself.
Not settling for the bullshit I'm doled out.
Integrity (words, actions, beliefs/thoughts aligned), and sensitization to what feels
right and wrong.
Bonus! Higher vibration means I attract a different life.
This month, I also converted it to an audio format you can download and listen to on your MP3 player (iTunes, etc.).
Try this Sat Kriya tutorial from Anne Novak (who I love) if you're like, rearing to go. 3 minutes a day minimum, or do it for 11 minutes, or if you're looking to basically completely change your life, 31 minutes for 40 days.
This month the suggested reading is You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero. This is a quick read with lots of practical exercises, and will also be what we build our money and manifestation lectures off of. I've read it multiple times.
Group Coaching Call.
The coaching call will be hosted live on the third Monday of each month. The link to the call will be sent to you the morning of the call.
The replay will be available immediately following the call. All questions and answers (including mentioned resources) will be posted to your respective FAQ page.